When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
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‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…