Wait for it…πππππ
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*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means⦔
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
If Iβm going to pick up something and I ask you, βWhat would you like?β and you say βI donβt know, surprise meβ I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didnβt even realize.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
if Barbieβs elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes iβm out
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
God: youβre an elephant.
Elephant: dang iβm pretty big!
God: youβre actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they canβt quite believe they are outdoors and canβt fathom how theyβve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Your yearly reminder that if youβre mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Reviews of Hogwarts
βββββ
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”βββββ
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”βββββ
“At least one student dies every year”
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Iβm not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until Iβve had my coffee. Also I donβt drink coffee. Itβs been very peaceful.