Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
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Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed