My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
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PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
the composer
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
I’ve been drinking.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks