We’ve all been there…
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I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
john wicks are toilet candles
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer