if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
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Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
This classic never gets old . . .
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”