My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
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[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.