Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
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Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.