Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
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I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL