Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
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Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.