Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
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There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.