8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
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Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.