Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
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Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia