Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
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i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.