They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
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Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Bit chilly again tonight.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies