What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
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The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess