If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
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I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Harsh but fair
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son