I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
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You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.