My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
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The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
we’re dead?
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now