After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
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After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢