I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
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Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
*limbos away from your hug*
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet