Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
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What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
i did the math
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.