angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
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USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Had to try this trend 😊
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
When I grow up, I want to be 16
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!