Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
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PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.