My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
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I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
How it started How it’s going
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Me, reading some of your tweets
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.