Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
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🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
A great tip. #CakeRex
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.