TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
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HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*