Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
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*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
The Sun
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.