One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
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My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
We’ve come full circle
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*