Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
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I only look at Wordle for the articles
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Passed by a old school Math example today.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
How it started: How it’s going:
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.