My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
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COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
My biological clock is wheezing.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity