BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
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judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”