THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
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hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
My first child will be named New Folder.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?