Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
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“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
i choose….tongue
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
this is the news I live for
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
a public service announcement
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.