I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
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People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Just as the prophecy foretold
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.