Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
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do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
shut up and take my money
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
same vibe as tangled headphones
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.