STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
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A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”