My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
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Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
why isn’t thunder called soundning
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”