My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
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it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.