angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
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Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.