Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
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My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!