GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
You Might Also Like
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.