Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
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My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.