My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
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friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?