CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
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Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Nice try Hitler
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.