Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
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*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
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