*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
You Might Also Like
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out