[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
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Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
opening twitter today
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
oh good, now I can stop drinking
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor