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[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
These are my roll models.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.