surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
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I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
😅😅😅
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob